Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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