Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
