it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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