He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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