Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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