he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
