I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
