you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
