I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
