everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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