I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
