Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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