Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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