The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
