I cannot find my penis.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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