OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
