Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
