it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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