____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize