How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
