you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
