also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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