He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
