I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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