I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
