YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
