I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
