There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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