I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
