The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
