My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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