I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
