just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
