You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
