I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
