he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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