now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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