I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
