clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize