i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
