I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
