as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
