come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
