You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
