We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
