I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
