AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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