So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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