rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
