I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
