My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
