I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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