I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
