You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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