I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
