god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
