She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
