dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
