She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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