Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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