I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
