Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
