why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
