On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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