I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
