Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
