I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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