I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
