I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
