if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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