I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
